Hit or Miss?

Well, Dave was supposed to have the morning off and while we were eating breakfast he got called into work. So I drove him in and then got down to work. Grad school is all reading. And while I love reading, the books are really boring.  That's not a good thing. The books all have great intentions, but they all say the same thing. And I can't be the only one who thinks so. While I want to learn my profession, learning something new is essential to it just being a general course. It's weird to think that I am more passionate than my professors. I have one prof that I have not seen since September. First she was gone at a conference and for the last few weeks the T.A. has taught the class, badly.  She simply puts him in charge with no checks on his methods or his performance. Another professor has actually yelled at students during lectures. Rather than discussions about books or special topics, we hear about his glory days.  Then there are the stories of how difficult it will be to find a job.  His positive attitude is mind numbing. When I was young you couldn't keep me out of school.  I loved my lower school experience and my undergrad college was amazing.  Yet, I find it hard to force myself to go to my graduate classes.  All I can do when I do go is wait for time to pass and I can leave.  It's hard to enter a class like that and just count the minutes until I can leave.  Now I know what those kids in high school who hated school when through.  I'm simply looking toward graduation and hoping that despite my professors constant statements that employment is impossible, that I will be able to find a job and keep it.

Is it weird to feel lonely in a city this size?

It's weird to feel so lonely. My husband is working a lot, which he  has to do for us. I would never blame him for that and hate being sad about him being gone, because it makes him feel bad. But it's hard to get passed it. He's working this week until ten and then he has to walk home.  It is just a lot harder than I thought it would be. It's weird to feel out of place in my own home and to feel so alone here. And I am so scared that I can't force myself to be my own person. I need to be strong for me and it's so much harder than I thought it would be. I love my husband more than anything, but I feel like I'm losing myself. The friends that I thought I had are too busy to spend time with me or even ask how I am doing. 

I thought that graduate school would help me step out as a person. Working toward a degree and a job was to help me find myself and become more self-confident. However, that seems to be blowing up in my face. My graduate school program seems like a joke. There is no class discussion and no attempt to care for students. My advisor not only does not know my name, I'm not sure he knows my gender from the class roster. I don't feel motivated to even do class readings. I loved my undergraduate college experience and I don't want to feel so bitter about these classes. I'm now working 40 hours a week just to keep myself busy, and even now all I want is ice cream and a sappy movie. It's weird how when I'm sad, I want to watch a sad movie. I guess I just want to cry about something other than my life. Even when I reach out to family and friends I find everyone is too busy to even listen. And yet, when someone needs something I get called. I like being helpful and appreciated, but I guess I'm starting to feel used. I get called, but no one is listening to what I'm actually saying. I worry about people, but they don't care what I think. And then they don't care to ask me how I'm doing.

I feel like I'm a teenager dealing with depression. I don't want to be that teen anymore. When I was on my study abroad I cooked and walked and took care of myself. While I was in Scotland I felt strong. I did exercise and I tried to eat right. Now I feel like I've gone backwards. I want to find something that makes me happy for me. I want to be better so I can be there for my husband. How can I be a good wife if I feel like this? And what happens if this program doesn't get better, what do I do with this degree? If the program is this poor, what is the job I hope to get going to be like? Or worse, what if I can't find a job?

I'm just tired of not having any direction. I need real goals and real benefits for those goals. Making stupid promises to myself about buying a car or even giving myself a new book or DVD won't work. I can't even work to toward being ready for a baby, because just fixing me won't do that. More money and a large apartment have to come first. So where do I start? How big a change do I need to or can I make? What does that mean for my family? And who will help me if my family and friends won't?

Jobs, Jobs and School Work

I am now considering a seasonal job at the local bookstore. It's difficult to consider another part-time job while I'm at school full-time, but the schedule is not what I thought. I was prepared for a rigorous year of study and research with this graduate program. I'm not sure I've ever been so let down. Readings are never discussed and therefore are rarely read, classes require few papers and little outside research, and professors do not even make the effort to learn students names. It makes putting a lot of effort into my studies difficult. And therefore, when the opportunity came up to get a little extra money and a discount on books, I had to think. It means more than 40 hours a week of work on top of my school work. But skimming a few books and writing one paper a month is like one class of my undergraduate. Money for the holidays is always appreciated and even if it means getting up early the day after Thanksgiving, it could be worth it.